sometimes i wish i could go back, and then, sometime i wish i could go forward, shhe where my life will be in a year, in 10 years, 30, 50. but i can't and its hard, not knowing if i will be attending a funeral anytime soon. i try not to think about that but her name is amanda and she is my best friend, she wants to die, there is nothing i can do except be there for her, i just feel like that is not enough. i want to make it all go away give her adan back, have her never have found out she is sick, but i can't so i will be there for her, wheater it is to hold her hair back, or baked her. these are the things friends do and thats who i am and your who i care about. 

So some of you ( i say that like i have readers) know that i lived with my grandparents for the first 12 years of my life. I have come back for round 2! why? there is a school, i need this school. however the incident on firday was this.  *animation into flashback* grandpa walks in to his closet which is in the guest room i dont know why but it is so he walks in and says ( by that i mean yells.) " why does this closet smell like smoke" i just stared at him. he was acusing me of smoking. on a closet. in a room without the screen. wtf. i didnt know waht to say. i was ready to pack. until i found out my grandma talked to him and she recorded it. she wouldnt play it for me. so last night i snuck out of my room grabed her phone off the table and listened to my own grandfather say the words. " i told you i don't want her here, she lies, she is not a good person, she did drugs and got caught, nobody told me what kind though she could be smoking marajuana in my closet that would be bad this is why i ddint want her here, and now she might go home and she thinks it all my fault. but its not its yours"( my grandma.)  so i decided last night i don't care waht shit i go through iving here im going to get my 11 credits, and prove that i can go 5 months without my pills and pot, and i am not a bad person.